Ire

My weekend in the lakes may have provided some serenity and inner reflection but by the end of the week I'm pleased to inform you that my ranting muscles were being given a vigorous workout on an hourly basis. Just in case you think I've gone all soft and lost my inner rage, I present three examples of topics which have really cranked up my blood pressure this week.

This weeks niggles:-

• BT Broadband - I have spoken more to Rajish in their Indian call centre than I have to my wife this week. The nature of the problem means that each time I think it has been sorted, it reappears at a more inopportune time than the last. Consequently, I have achieved new levels of grumpiness. Were it not for the fact that Jeremy Beadle is dead, I would strongly suspect his involvement.
  
  Each occurrence involves a call to their support number, a navigation through their unfathomable menu system and most annoyingly the input of your telephone number and account number which is immediately followed by this dialogue.
  
  "Good morning BT, Could I take your telephone number and account number please?"
  
  "The one that I just entered into your menu system?"
  
  "Yes"
  
  "errr...I just entered it into your menu system"
  
  "Yes, sorry about that. Could I take it again?"
  
  I can tell you that the first time this happens it is mildly annoying, the second time I see red and by the third occurrence I am ready to disembowel someone with a spoon.
  
  There then follows a scripted run through of the 'morons guide to telecommunications' where I am asked to check several aspects of my installation. None of these aspects has anything to do with my problem and the futility of the conversation does make me feel slightly queasy and more than a little genocidal. I pretend to follow their instructions whilst sitting on the sofa, slurping coffee and pausing occasionally to add a sound effect. Eventually we arrive at an understanding that they are not going to solve my problem by following a script and I'm not going to solve anything through sarcasm.
  
  The upshot of my situation is that if I sign up for another 18 months contract, they will send me a new router for 'just' £49 which may or may not solve my problem. This solution is about as appealing to me as eating my own shit so instead I will seek a new service provider to argue with. 

• Gary Neville - The bum fluff moustachioed prick was this week appointed as replacement football pundit for Andy Gray on Sky. Presumably this announcement took so long because finding a character more odious and less likeable than Andy Gray is actually quite difficult.
  
  They must have really struggled as they elected for Rat Boy Neville, a man I would never, ever tire of punching. My level of contempt for this moron transcends my vocabulary and therefore I immediately and without hesitation cancelled my subscription.

• Oliver Letwin - I don't blog about politics as it is such a divisive subject but I will make an exception for this buffoon. Some people are born with a face that accurately reflects their personality, his face looks like a total dick. In a private conversation with Boris Johnson, this heinous waste of human DNA was alleged to have said that he did not want to see more families in Sheffield be able to afford cheap holidays.
  
  I may not come from Sheffield and I can certainly afford my own holidays but this really boiled my piss. As a punishment, I suggest he be immediately appointed the new Minister for Cheap Package holidays, a 21st century Judith Chalmers without the leathery skin. He should be packed off to review cheap, all inclusive package holidays for the rest of his career where he can hold focus groups with his 'subjects' where he explains why he wishes to deny them their annual two weeks in the sun whilst they take it in turns to pummel his torso.
  
  I hate package holidays but I'd sign up for two weeks in Torremolinos if it meant I got to see this berk get his long overdue comeuppance.