Itchy and Scratchy.....

If you asked my wife Mel, what annoyed her most about me she probably wouldn't know where to start. But once she did start she probably wouldn't be able to stop. Somewhere on that list would be my constant requests for her to scratch my back. I'm not sure when my itchy back started but it's pretty constant these days. She is usually willing to oblige, if only to shut me up but I can tell that she's not necessarily ecstatic about it. The main way to tell is by the weals she gouges into my flesh and the intensity with which she mouths the words 'for gods sake' though in fairness to her, that is usually when I wake her up at 4am to ask her to scratch my latest itch. I think she knows how grateful I am but didn't seem very pleased when I offered to buy her this T-Shirt.

A couple of weeks ago when visiting my Dad, I noticed he possessed a stick with a comedy hand on the end which he informed me was a back scratcher. You may have seen them, I think they are normally brought back as presents from cheap package holidays, like the modern day equivalents of straw donkeys. Try as I might, I couldn't persuade my Dad to part with it though he did helpfully suggest I could piss off and get my own.

So I did, I went online to Amazon (other money pits are available) and was delighted to see a whole range of back scratching devices. I was in a rush so I just clicked on the cheapest one at £5.99 and then pretty much instantly forgot all about it. I continued to pester Mel to scratch my itches and she continued to get annoyed at me for asking. However, later that week I answered the impatient repeated buzzing of my doorbell to find a courier holding an unfathomably large cardboard tube. I signed for it whilst simultaneously wondering what I could have ordered which merited such outlandish packaging. I opened the tube and inside the vast cylinder was my back scratcher. On one end was the aforementioned comedy plastic hand and on the other end to my complete delight, was a shoe horn.

I've never particularly had problems getting my shoes on. For a start I tend to buy shoes that fit me properly and secondly I'm not yet so fat that I can't bend down far enough to just put them on, though I am working on it. However, I try never to look a gift horse in the mouth and at just £5.99 this Swiss army stick was already looking like incredible value.

Two weeks later, I have to tell you I've never looked back. The stick has barely left my side, I use it to scratch itches I never even knew I had. I also take off my shoes and 'slip' them back on again many times a day, just because I can. I'm thoroughly delighted with my purchase and even wrote a review on Amazon to let the producers of my utility staff know how pleased I am. It reads:-

'This scratch horn stick is unquestionably in the top three inventions of all time but it does carry some risks which the buyer ought to be wary of. 

Firstly, my wife always performed the task of scratching the inaccesible spots on my back and now she has been made slightly redundant now she has been relieved of this task. On the upside, she now sleeps through the night as I no longer need to wake her to perform this perfunctory task. 

Secondly, I inadvertently scratched the back of my knee whilst using the shoe horn revealing to me an itch I didnt even know I had. I now devote a significant amount of time to scratching the back of my knees whilst inserting my feet into tricky loafers which is a habit I could have done without. 

Thirdly, the stick itself is of such a length that it demands to be used as a twirling majorette baton though my wife assures me this is neither big, clever or indeed hygienic. Nevertheless, I can now march the entire length of the house and finish with a flourish by throwing it into the air and catching it between my teeth. Bonus. 

Overall a superb acquisition. I'll be buying all my family and friends one for Christmas.'


I did notice on Amazon that there are a vast selection of different models, metal ones, telescopic versions, massage/scratcher combinations and also a 'deluxe' version of the one I have which is £12.99. I do regret not spotting this one when I placed my order as it does look a bobby dazzler and am thinking I might upgrade it for my birthday as at this rate I will have worn this one out. 


The uses I have found for my stick are just incredible. Reaching high-up shelves, scooping ice cream, moving food around on the barbecue. All these things were previously tricky but have been rendered a cinch thanks to my trusty staff. Here it is in action:-